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[03 Dec 2009|05:05pm] |
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Kristi's funeral was today. I'm surprised by how bad it hurt. They played songs that reminded me of her so much even though we haven't seen each other in five years. These were songs we loved together when we were younger. She introduced me to both Nirvana and 2pac and yet was one of the very few friends who loved country as much as me. I miss her a lot now that I know I have no chance of reconnecting with her. I should have been there. I wish I had known her children and her new friends.
Im so sick of feeling this way. My head is throbbing.
I saw many old friends today and it amazed me how much we have all grown up and apart, but we could come together for this moment. It makes me really think about my childhood and how much fun I had and how lucky I was to grow up in a trailer park.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[28 Nov 2009|07:42pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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Love Song//Four Year Strong |
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I'm sick and so very over it. WTF. My immune system sucks.
Today is my husband's birthday. Yes, he is 19 now.
Dang, I remember being 19. That's how old I was when I moved down here. I can't believe how much has changed and how muhc I have grown and changed. I think I am a completely different person. I'm not sure I have changed for the better or the worse, but that's okay.
God I am just a snot fest. Ew. I can't keep my focus and I can't say anything I really want to here anyway. I feel like I can never be compeletly honest with myself or anyone else.
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[26 Nov 2009|01:06am] |
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Drove 3 hours to Grants Pass today to pick up my brother then turned around drove 3 hours back home. I was going so damn stir crazy in that car, I thought I was going to lose it.
The whole trip down all I could think about was my parents and how I should be with them now and remembering the hundreds of times we'd made that trip together. I thought about taking one of my dad's shirts home with, but I'm scared it will make me hurt more.
I wish someone would tell me that they miss them too. I feel like I'm the only one, which I know isn't true, but no one else will talk to me about them.
I developed a cold on the way home. I feel like hell. I want to sleep, but I have a house full of loud boys. Luckily I have tomorrow off for the holiday, but it's back to hell on Friday.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[17 Nov 2009|10:13am] |
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It was so windy last night. Reminded me of someone I'd rather forget. I don't understand the innerworkings of my brain. I am just an attention whore.
My weekend was amazing. I love when Tara comes to visit. The two of us and Tasha made breakfast for dinner at like 930 and then we watched Repo!. Tara didn't like Repo!. Sunday night we went to Hollywood Undead with Deedra and we had a great time.
Now Im back to work and wishing I didn't have to be. We are so super busy. Ugh.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[12 Nov 2009|08:19pm] |
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Just the feel of the cold breeze through my bedroom window reminds me of him. I'm 15 all over again waiting for him to sneak over. My life is so very different.
Marty's mom always tells me she loves me. I can never say it back. I don't love them, I can hardly tollerate them. They want me to be a part of there family, but I can't. With my family gone I have no desire to start over again. I miss the family I had and trying to be a part of another one hurts to badly. Marty's family can't understand this and I don't blame them, but I hate it.
According to my stats and boss I'm really god at my new job. I don't know how I always manage to do that, but I'll say I'm lucky. I might not enjoy it, but at least I'm good at it.
Watching Bones and going to bed now.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[07 Nov 2009|10:20am] |
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I feel like I never have anything new or intelligent to say.
Im getting back to dieting... or at least trying to eat better and get -some- exercise. I've actually lost 15 pounds since this time last year, but I still don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I used to weigh 108. I don't know what happened.
This is my very first Saturday at work. It feels incredibly strange and I hate it. Having to work Saturdays just makes my life that much more difficult since the majority of the world consider it the weekend.
Tonight is Landon's 4th birthday party. He hasn't grown at all since he was 2. Its so sad, but I am looking forward to his pirate party. Martin and I got his this awesome robot that I hope he likes.
Next weekend Tara and I are going to the drive in on Saturday and then Sunday is Hollywood Undead <3.
I apologize for typos. I typed this on my phone.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[03 Nov 2009|10:06am] |
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I'm getting nothing, but angry customers on the phone today. Why is it my fault that people can't pay their damn credit card bills on time? Why should I waive your late fee? Maybe you shouldn't have waited 'til the last minute to pay it. I hate people who bank at Wachovia.
I don't think there is anything else going on in my life. I'm pretty boring.
Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com
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[02 Nov 2009|12:17am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Jude Law and a Semester Abroad//Brand New |
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Halloween was pretty amazing. We had about 25 guests I think. Almost everyone dressed up and the majority we're fairly intoxicated. I decided to remain sober because I did not want to be hungover like I was last weekend. That was horrible and I did not want to relive it.
Tara and Deedra came down for the weekend. Friday night we went met Tasha after she got off work and we went out to the bar which we stayed until closing and then hung out with Tauren for a while. We didn't get to bed until after 4. Last night we were also up until well past 4. That's probably why I'm awake now.
Certain people have resurfaced in my life and I can't explain my never ending obsession with them. I need to learn how to take my own advice, but I've never been good at that.
I get a three day weekend so I have tomorrow off which is nice, but after that I have to go to my new schedule which is Tuesday-Saturday. Boo hiss. I do not like that one bit. I've already decided to start looking for a new job and Martin thinks that's okay as long as I stick with it until I find something else. I am just not a sales person.
Of course, I know, I'll never be truly happy.
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[29 Oct 2009|07:55pm] |
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He always knows how to get to me. It's the same ten word text everytime that goes straight to my heart and makes my stomach turn. He never loved me or cared about, so why do I let myself care?
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[27 Oct 2009|06:13pm] |
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mood |
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 irritated |
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music |
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Pretend That This is Fiction//The Pink Spiders |
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Mmmm... Mac n Cheese for dinner. I feel so fat.
I don't know how things can go from being perfect to horrible in just a matter of seconds. I don't even remeber what we're fighting about, only that I'm angry for no good reason. I haven't taken my medication in longer than I can remember. I don't know why I can't remember ever. Somethings, most things, never change.
My friends at work are full of drama and I hate it. We had almost 5 minutes between most calls today. It's so boring and incredibly awkward when then people you sit between are somewhat dating, but mostly fighting. Ugh.
Today was fully of amazingly funny text messages, though. It's the little things that keep me going.
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[26 Oct 2009|10:24am] |
I am still partially hungover. WTF? Work is sucking today. I really hate this job. I feel like I don't know anything or what I'm talking about ever. People actually trust me with their banking? What idiots.
My back and throat hurt so bad from throwing up yesterday. Ugh.
I miss my parents so fucking much. I just want them back.
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[25 Oct 2009|07:24pm] |
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music |
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Slow Dance on the Inside//Taking Back Sunday |
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Last night we went out to The Spur for Rachel's birthday and Tara even came down to stay the night. It was so much fun. We eventually made our way to The Liberty Spirit because Tara;s friend Toren is the DJ there. I talked Tasha into coming out and we had a really great time. Martin and his friends had to come pick us up as neither Tara or I could drive at this point. We came home and played drinking games and stayed up until 7am.
Tara confessed somethings to me that really broke my heart, but not because of anything she did. I know that if I confronted the other people about it they would deny it, but Tara would have no reason to make this shit up so many years later. I know I'm married and I'm happy, but it doesn't make the pain go away. People I loved and trusted went behind my back and truly hurt me. I am so thankful for Tara and Katie.
Today has been spent incredibly fucking hungover. I threw up for hours and want to die. Yay. Work tomorrow is going to be hell.
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[23 Oct 2009|10:01am] |
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mood |
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nostalgic |
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music |
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The Tide//The Spill Canvas |
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Sorry, I've been away again, but I was pretty sick for a while there. Finally feeling better and updating from my cell phone in my car on my lunch break. I aplogize for typos, but this touch screen sucks.
I'm missing my past like I always do. My incredible sense memory is so frustrating. Every scent, feeling, song, moment just reminds me of another time and place. I have never been happy with the present or the future. I just always want things the way they were. Maybe this is something I should bring up with my therapist. I just want to appreciate and be happy with what I have for once in my life. I am so busy looking around and worrying about what I'm missing out on that I end up missing out on everything right in front.
Last night I read my paper journal from 2001-2003. It was all about Chris and Jared and heartache and wanting things the way they were. I'll never changed.
It felt as if I was dying and couldn't catch my breath when I lost Chris and Jared. I wonder how it would feel if Martin left. I get scared that I don't love him enough. Is there even such a thing?
I just wish I could relive certain moments, the good and the bad.
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[07 Oct 2009|08:09pm] |
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mood |
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thoughtful |
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La La Lie//Jack's Mannequin |
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My stomach hurts. It made work not fun today. I had a horrible stupid moment at work today where I had to put a customer on hold like 10 times while I tried to add his daughters to his account and screwed it up twice before getting it done and then I couldn't remember how to do anything and I panicked. It sucked.
I enjoy having the house to myself. Sitting here in front of this screen reminds me of how my life to be. It seems like I lived inside of this box and all that mattered was between the worlds of Live Journal and MySpace. Times have changed so much and so many different times. I can't lie, I look back and I truly miss some of those times and wish I could relive them again. I want to feel those feelings again, even the bad ones. I want to remember what I felt and thought and how at 16 I felt on top of the world and now I realize I grew up way too fast.
Somethings never change. I'm going to see The Academy Is... on Friday. This will be like my 8th TAI show. I've lost count. I can't wait to see William. I think he will make me feel nostalgic. He's grown up in front of me. It's so strange to think we are the same age, yet he feels so untouchable just because he is in a band.
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[12 Oct 2007|08:29am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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I miss my LiveJournal dammit. I never have the chance to update anymore.
Life is well. I don't know. I'm happy and its nice. I think about the future and make plans for the first time ever... Other than plans to end my life. I don't know that I've ever felt this way or ever been so sure of anything. It's interesting and a little scary, but in a good way.
Halloween is soon. It makes me smile except I can't decide on a costume.
Going to see The Spill Canvas on Tuesday with Marty, Tasha, Tara and Tara's cousin. I am very excited to get drunk with Tara and dance to PlayRadioPlay. Being hungover at work on Wednesday will most definatally suck.
I couldn't sleep this morning so I got up and came to my parents so I could waste some time online and do laundry for free. My parents are still sleep. WTF? My dad is real sick tho and flying to Arizona today. He's never here anymore. He's always away on business. I don't really notice cuz I'm not here, but it makes my mom and brother really sad.
Starbucks is [expensive] love.
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[03 Mar 2007|02:30pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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In need of Gym Class Heroes tickets.
March 24th show.
AJ is willing to pay double the price.
2 tickets needed.
He will not miss RX Bandits.
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[24 Jan 2007|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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Sorrow//Bad Religion |
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Dear Lovelies,
As of January 28th I will no longer have internet.
If you wish to stay in contact with please MySpace me addresses/phone numbers.
This sucks so bad. I love my LiveJournal.
As for an update:
I've lost my smile, but plan to find it as the bottom of a bottle of Rum tomorrow night.
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[21 Jul 2006|07:36pm] |
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mood |
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drunk |
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music |
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Hello Tomorrow//Zebrahead |
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I'm a little drunk and listening to "Hello Tomorrow" on repeat.
I wish Tara was here.
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[19 Jul 2006|08:11pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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music |
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Say Anything (Else)//Cartel |
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Today was pointless.
I spent $80 on clothes.
Jake, Bird and I did nothing.
Tomorrow is my Friday.
Maybe we'll [they'll] get shitty.
We need something exciting.
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